Dear Dolly Doctor
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I'm 55 years old and I don't know what's happening to my body. I ache all the time. My hair is falling out, unless we're talking about my chin. I can't shift any weight which seems to have gathered around my middle like a kangaroo pouch. I wake up at 4am drenched in sweat, if I've managed to get any sleep at all. And some days I really struggle to be happy. What's happening to me?
Changing, Canberra
Picking up Alison Daddo's book Queen Menopause: Finding your majesty in the mayhem has been something of a two-edged sword. There's Daddo, or Alison Brahe as we knew her, who was discovered at a party when she was 16 and was on the cover of every teenage girl's favourite magazine, Dolly, before she knew it. We were all along for the ride. It was the 1980s and our lives were changing. Our bodies were changing and Dolly was there to help us along the way.
Fast-forward 40 years and now no one wants to talk about this change: the menopause.
Well at least I think that's where I am. I went for almost eight months without a period. Suffered through the night sweats. But my periods are back now. Kind of. It had been three months since my last one and then I started on this column and, wham. Sometimes the hardest part is remembering where you've put the emergency tampons.
I guess, then, I'm still perimenopausal. This stage can last anywhere from four to eight years. Yes, I've talked to my GP about it. She checked my hormone levels and they were all suggesting that I'm not there yet. Officially you're not menopausal until 12 months after your last period, so the race has begun again.
But Daddo's book has ignited a conversation. Not only has she given a personal account of her experience but she's spoken to some other high-profile Australian women such as Georgie Parker, Anita Heiss and Rhonda Burchmore, all sharing the highs and lows that happen in this stage of life. There are also personal accounts from everyday people. She wants people to tell their stories, to talk to other women, their partners, about how their lives are changing.
There's an A-Z section with ideas that might help - but please talk to your GP - from acupuncture to zizyphus (a tree, where the fruit is used to treat sleep conditions). I'm a little cynical about some of her suggestions, I'm not much into the woowoo approach, but I like the idea of treating ourselves with a little kindness and getting out into nature and a hands-on approach to getting back in touch with your own libido if it's gone walkabout. Thankfully that's one symptom I haven't had to deal with.
The book is part practical guide, part confession. Daddo is quite open about how her own experience has affected not only her own mental and physical health, but also her relationship with her husband, Cameron.
They were the golden couple of the 1990s, engaged within three months of meeting each other, married a year later. They moved to the United States for Cameron's career in 1991, when Alison was only 22. They now have three children, aged 24 to 14. In 1994 Cameron cheated on his wife, they separated for a while, went to therapy. "Slowly but surely," she writes, "the healing happened ... it changed the dynamic of our marriage for the better." There'll be paragraphs in the book which will make you wonder if it actually did.
Another aspect of the book which intrigued me was how Alison, a woman who has been revered for her looks since her teenage years, is dealing with all the changes.
"I know I'm feeling older than ever, my body shaping itself into an actual potato," she writes. "And still I try to: Eat less! Exercise more! Urgh. What if this shape is permanent? What if this is my final resting body shape? How do I love my body when I hold the comparison to my 21-year-old self?"
Because you should never do that. Menopausal or not. I'm so glad that my identity has never been tied to what I look like. This is my body, and it's changing, and I can't stop that. What's the alternative?
"I wish I could wear shorts," she says. "But I can't anymore. My legs look like they kind of melted, they just seem to have gone to mush overnight. My legs are ugly."
Wear the shorts. Get medical help if you need it. Rather than feeling invisible and ignored, embrace the mayhem. We all go through "the talk" when we hit puberty. Let's not be scared to have another one when we hit this end of the journey.
- Queen Menopause, by Alison Daddo. Allen & Unwin. $32.99.